funny

Some observations after Week 1 of braces

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So, last week I got braces. These are not to be confused with the braces I had at age 8 to fix a few wily teeth growing in odd places, or the braces I had at age 15 to straighten my entire mouth. No, these grown-up braces are to correct everything that my teeth have been doing over the last 29 years. (Hint: they have been very busy!)

I will spare you the details, but in a nutshell I’m now correcting problems like alignment and migration issues, which honestly sounds like my teeth are ready to retire to Boca Raton. I opted for lingual braces, which are metal brackets that attach behind the teeth because I was swayed by the promise of “hidden braces.” Nobody needs to know!

On the plus side, the lingual braces will work magic on my teeth and I don’t have to look like a teenager when I smile. On the downside, there is a major adjustment period while my tongue learns to speak properly with sharp metal objects infringing on its personal space. Supposedly it takes a week or so to adjust but I must be a slow learner because I'm not there yet. It’s been a very long week, my friends. Or as I like to say, my frienths.

My observations so far:

1. The “nobody has to know” is exactly true as long as I don’t talk. Otherwise I sound like I have a lisp AND a mouth full of marbles.

2. Some orthodontists call these braces incognito braces, which sounds very cool and James Bond-like. But I can’t even say the words CIA or spy without spraying myself in the face. So...not very cool at all.

3. I would like to temporarily change my name to Kate because hard letters are much easier to say. “Hi, my name is Lith” is getting so annoying.

4. Also annoying: My kids, who keep asking, "Can I call you Brace Face? What about Metal Mouth? Is it funny yet? What about now?" No and no and no and no.

5. The braces might be the best diet ever because it’s such a hassle to eat that I would almost rather starve to death. A 5-minute snack requires 45 minutes of brushing/flossing/waterpikking nonsense. Math has never been my strong suit, but even I know that’s a raw deal.

6. Having a work-from-home job is a big perk when you are self conscious about every word you say. Until... you have an outside meeting and must explain the new speech impediment. My boss was super supportive and said, “Oh thank God! I thought you had been drinking!”

7. For years my kids and I have been making fun of the way Ed Sheeran pronounces sixth when he sings “Under the lamppost back on 6th Street...” but now I’m convinced he has incognito braces too. Nobody needs to know, Ed! (But now we all do!)

8. My entire vocabulary has suffered. I’m avoiding all kinds of difficult “S” words and resorting to simple, toddler-like conversation. When trying to explain how I thought a recent event in the news could be a “slippery slope for the Supreme Court”...I instead opted for “Ugh. Bad.” Insufficient is now lame. Unconscionable is now mean. Luckily, all my favorite cuss words have hard sounds and have been unaffected.

9. To help buffer the pain, my orthodontist gave me all kinds of wax and goo to put on the brackets. These work pretty well, but I also found that a square of Dove chocolate gets stuck on the brackets just as easily, so I might as well leave it there to enjoy for hours and hours.

10. The Dove chocolate (#9) is sort of ruining my new diet plan (#5) but like I said...it’s been that kind of week, my frienths.

2016.02.LeoLiz Can you tell who has the braces (brathes)?

I spent 3 solid days obsessing over grout color so you don't have to...

When you tackle a complicated project like, say, tearing the roof and walls off your house, you want a large team of experts on your side. As seems to happen in many life-altering adventures (parenting comes to mind), you start with a few hand-picked experts. And then your team grows. Slowly and organically at first and then suddenly reaching cartoon proportions.

That’s exactly where we are now. My team of invested experts now includes, but is not limited to: architect, builder, husband, vendors, subcontractors, friends with great taste, friends with strong opinions, family members, children, neighbors who I adore, neighbors who I don’t even know, designers on Houzz, strangers who comment on designers on Houzz, the lady in the checkout line at Home Depot, the guy at the veterinary clinic who overheard my phone conversation....

For better or worse, as we near the end of the remodel, this team is still right beside me, weighing in on every last little decision.

 

Me: So I’m doing all white subway tiles in the kitchen and the new baths. Same size everywhere. You know...clean, crisp and affordable. Classic and modern all at once. I’m looking for a sense of continuity. I love it...decision is done!

Expert 1: Actually the grout color will make all the difference. It can radically change the look of the whole room. Radically! Don’t believe me? Let me show you 5,000 photos as proof.

Expert 2: White on white is really the only way to go.

Expert 3: Only boring people do white. You aren’t boring.

Expert 4: I tell all my clients to go one step darker than the color they most like.

Expert 5: I tell all my clients to go one step lighter than the color they most like.

Expert 6: I tell all my clients to go with their gut.

Expert 7: Dark grout doesn’t show dirt.

Expert 8: White grout can be bleached.

Expert 7: Dark grout is more modern.

Expert 9: Dark grout is too modern.

Expert 7: Light grout is too traditional.

Expert 8: Light grout is more versatile.

Expert 10: This brand of grout doesn’t stain.

Expert 11: Don’t believe them--all grouts stain!

Expert 12: Black grout will look like the '80s threw up in your kitchen.

Expert 13: Look at this photo of black grout! It’s perfect!

Expert 3: It really boils down to what you want the tile to say about you.

Expert 14: It really boils down to resale value.

Expert 15: Did you decide how thick your grout lines will be?

Expert 4: You don’t decide how thick your grout lines will be. Expert 17 will decide how think the lines are.

Expert 8: You should DEMAND to know the thickness of your grout lines before you go any further!

Expert 3: Silver grout? Yesss! That color is so you!

Expert 2: Silver? It’s really the only way to go.

Expert 12: Silver? This was my favorite all along, I just didn’t want to sway your opinion.

Expert 8: Silver? It’s all over Houzz, but don’t worry you are still original.

Expert 16: Silver? Do you mean Silver or Titanium or Platinum or Pewter?

Expert 6: I know you want Expert 16 to make this final call, but Expert 16 is not going to live in your house with this grout color. You are going to live here and see it every day. I cannot stress the importance of this decision. You need to dig deep and rally. Cancel today’s plans, get back in the car, go to the showroom, and pick a color. You will not regret it.

Expert 16: Ok great. Silver it is! Now let’s talk about floor colors...

Expert 3: Why are you crying?

 

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It's a blog hop! My friends have also done something wildly awesome or awful so you don't have to. Read about them here...

I Wrote Another Godforsaken Blogiversary Post So You Don't Have To - Ann Imig

I Toured Washington DC in a Night Bus So You Don’t Have To - Wendi Aarons

I Listened to KidzBop So You Don’t Have To – Midlife Mixtape

I Had Food Poisoning While Sitting On A Diaper Genie So You Don't Have To - Smacksy

I'm Surviving October So You Don't Have To - The Flying Chalupa

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Silver it is.

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Vocabulary quiz

2013.08.TownieBooks

“Mom, did you know that I know what all the bleeped words are on the radio?" * “Mrs. McGuire, what does promiscuous mean?” * “Anachronistic?? No, I don’t know what it means but I love the word already!” * “What’s your definition of soon?” * “Ugh! We’ll see always means No.” * “Mama, you said I’m articulate? But I do NOT like being tickled.” * “Dad, there’s your funny and there’s our funny.” * “Do we still call it homework if we’re doing it on the bus and in the car?”

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Add your own in the comments!